babies in a church service... inspiring? ~m

Mason here. My first shift. The intention of this post is to challenge, not offend. But if offense happens, it happens. Let's hop right to it.

Ever faked it through a Church service?

I think we all have. You've been a wreck in the parking lot but as soon as you hit the front doors you're all smiles. Singing those happy Grace songs and only reading the Psalms with happy endings. I think that's the norm. Distracted by the text that told you your uncle's health has taken a turn for the worse and he may not may not be alive to worry about next Sunday, but the greeter is saying "we're glad you're here" and it's time to stand up and meet the person next to you. I truly believe we've all been there. My uncles are all healthy at the moment, but still. You get my point.

Probably my most memorable "sad Church service" was a time years ago where I excused myself to the "restroom" in the middle of a Sunday evening class. Sure, I took a leak, but the leak came from my face and ended up in a puddle on the floor of an empty classroom as I collapsed and had a breakdown in the middle of a silent ocean of tears. Here's the kicker: after my little episode was over I stood up, straightened my hair and shirt, and strolled back into the class to lead the closing prayer. Nobody knew what had happened, and to this day nobody who was in that room knows that's why I left for a few minutes. So, I held it together until I was finally alone in my car, where I was allowed to express the way I was actually feeling. Which was sad. Obviously.

Maybe you haven't left the room to cry like a child during Church because that's suuuuper dramatic. But have you been at Church and felt like if you told someone "no, my life feels like it's falling apart and I'm not sure what to do or who to talk to," it would kind of throw off the vibe of the service? Plus it would be super awkward to say that during the "greet the person next to you" segment of the service and then sit next to them the whole time.

Right...?

It would be awkward...?

I'd like to propose to you, the jury, that NO. In a genuine group of people, opening up to the person next to you and spending time with them, actually facing something together, would NOT be awkward.

I'll use another overly dramatic story from my life. I was in an intentional prayer group with some guys in my social club. My life felt like it had been turned upside-down the night before (I won't bore you with the details), and I couldn't hold it in. My entire being felt cold, with no heat source. When we were talking about how our weeks went, I spilled my guts to these guys who proved themselves as my brothers in Christ that night. Not only was it not awkward like I thought it would be, they all stopped what they were doing to hear me out, truly listened to how I was feeling, and huddled around me in prayer. They filled me with the Spirit when I was too weak to do so myself. My soul was warm again.

______________________________________________________________

So. Back to Church services.

In my experience, it's kind of a big deal for someone to come forward and publicly ask for prayer. We all know that if we go forward and express our failures Berta, Gertrude, and Martha will each start their own Sunday lunch-table conversations with their respective families. I heard a story recently where someone had shared their testimony in front of their Church family, and the first words out of a respected member of the Church's mouth were "I can't believe he would say something so inappropriate here! Doesn't he know where he is?"
Made me a little mad. Not gonna lie. I could rant about that but I don't want to skip my main points.

 I have a few ideas explaining why I think sadness is kind of the ugly step-nephew of a gathering of Believers.

First: the sneaky teacher that slips through the cracks despite its crushing impact: silence.  

Silence over a subject is one of the loudest teachers. While I wish the world worked in a different way, I've seen this harsh reality come to fruition time and time again: silence is perceived consent for the most active and intrusive perpetrator to move in. If there are no defenses set up, the most aggressive force will occupy the most area. The heaviest object will usually go the lowest.
What, then, will happen if our true mental health is not spoken in Christian community? What will happen if we think that we don't have a reason to talk about what we actually feel in the place that should keep us grounded in perspective? Well...teenagers probably feel a heightened level of alone when they think there's no other option than to hide in a classroom at Church and deal with feelings there (@me). I'm pretty sure this is happening right now. I realize I may be generalizing, but I think it's a big enough problem to where we can blanket this problem over many, many Churches. The worst part about silence is that we can all plead ignorance, as if we didn't know any better. But I'm kind of tired of using that excuse in my life. My hypothesis is that if we talk about it with intention, things will change because knowledge is power. Simple as that.

Idea numero dos: the lie of maturity.

At what age is it no longer acceptable to communicate emotions genuinely? Why are babies the only ones allowed to cry in Church? 
I know I'm probably sounding insanely #feely and #emotional and #safespacey, but I want to remind you of John 11:35: Jesus Wept. He didn't weep because his friend was dead, he wept because his friend needed saving. To put that in my own words, the weight of the world was hitting him extra hard that day. Keep in mind he knew the end of the story. He knew his Father's power, and he knew Lazarus would walk the earth again. But man, in that moment, life just sucked.
Satan hits hard, and where will we turn when he keeps kicking us while we're on the floor? A silent group of people with fake smiles and sloppily plastered masks covering their real lives? That's why this is so important to talk about. We need to be an environment to fall back upon, because people have to fall back on something. It's inevitable that we'll go to something for comfort because it's inevitable that the world won't always be dandelions and fluffy goats, and forcing people to create their own safe spaces in Church just most likely won't work. My hypothesis here is that if more people begin to break the stigma of "maturity equals no emotions," more people will rely on their assemblies of brothers and sisters to be a safe space because when someone takes the first step, another will usually follow.

Third idea: this one falls on personal philosophy.

Here are two of my personal struggles lumped into the "this one's on you, homie" subsection. They're two things that I think I will always have to deal with because of how engrained they are in my brain.

Guilt and fake apathy. 

I'm just diving into my own mind and giving y'all a glimpse here: I don't truly appreciate God's love... a LOT of the time. That's not something that should be taken lightly, either. I heard an incredible visualization of guilt last year: Satan uses guilt as a cycle. He gets a toehold of guilt which causes us to be timid. That timidity causes us to retract and not face the problem. Since we ran from the problem, it happens again. Guilt again. 🔄. Inside that process is the fake apathy, or "putting off" until another time. Know what the Bible says about putting something off until tomorrow, or after that nap? 

A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to sleep--so shall your poverty come on you like a prowler, and your need like an armed man. 

-Prov 6:10-11

Not to be overdramatic with that Bible verse but I want to emphasize the fact that the devil wants us to not think about our responsibilities. And I would argue that fully embracing God's love is a responsibility of being a Christian. So if I pretend like I'm not guilty when I truly am, if I pretend to not care about what eats me up when I'm alone, and if I don't let myself go to my brothers and sisters in Christ, Satan can and will take advantage of that fact. I forget this all the time and have to constantly remind myself that things will not get better if I keep pushing them down. They come back stronger if I bury them alive.
My hypothesis for this subsection is this: If we face what we're afraid of, Run Toward the Roar and tap into the power given to us by Jesus defeating the grave, we'll be more connected and have less to be guilty about. The guilt pales in comparison to God's incredible love, grace, and true comfort.

Okay, here's a short wrap-up

We can always find problems in the places with which we're most familiar. I grew up in the Church, and it molded me into who I am today. It taught me so much, and in many ways it taught me true community. I see an opportunity for increased transparency in that community, and I am so excited to work on practicing what I preach here. But I can't do it alone. I need people with a similar mindset or I'll just be the one who's stared at for sharing my story. So I want to encourage you to intentionally start talking and take the risk to communicate what you're feeling with the person next to you. I want to encourage you to embrace the best parts of youth: transparency and honesty. I want to encourage you to bring into the light what's weighing you down with guilt.

Because everything's scarier in the dark.

Don't be afraid, God's got you.

~m

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