the bad guy's shoes ~m

I'm the good guy.

No doubt about it. How could I not be? I know what good is, and I know how to distinguish between good and evil. Oh, that guy doesn't want to be friends? He must not know how good I am. Oh, I don't want to be friends with that other guy? Well I have discernment, I know what's best. That guy Peter, while he was following Jesus on His ministry? Sheesh, what an idiot. Seriously, how could he doubt Jesus when he's standing right there? Just walk on the water, dude. Me? Yeah, I lost sight of God. But I promise you, you've never SEEN the busyness I'm dealing with right now. I was too busy to look at the sunset and soak in God's glory, I had too many emails to get to.

That guy Pontius Pilate? He literally gave Jesus over to be killed. There is no excuse for that. Sure, he resisted a little, but his wife had horrible dreams about what would happen if Pilate followed through with assisting in the murder of Jesus. She warned him. Pilate knew Jesus was too composed to be a criminal, he was humble yet with the posture and intelligence of a king. All the signs showed that this was unfair. No excuses, Pilate. I could never relate to that kind of betrayal.

Except that I can. 

The Good Guys vs. the Sociopaths

I subconsciously like to split Bible characters into these two categories: the Heroes and the Remorseless Criminals. Sure, the good guys can mess up, but they're ultimately not bad people. The criminals are less than human, they're weak, and they deserve what's coming to them. The Apostles never sinned after Jesus ascended, otherwise the story wouldn't work, right? This is a weird thought for me. As I'm typing I'm realizing that I've always unconsciously viewed the Apostles as somehow more than human and perfect. Am I alone in this? I mean, sure now that I've said it it sounds dumb. But it's crazy how the subconscious works sometimes. 

Back to the point. Pilate. 

I was sitting in church this past Sunday when the story of Jesus's last night before his death was read. Pilate's story caught my attention, and I found myself viewing the narrative from his perspective. From his point of view, it's surprising how un-convicting his actions actually are against him. Read John 18:24-19:16 if you don't believe me. He's doing his job, and the people he's in charge of come to him with a weird request. They have no grounds, but these righteous men want a prominent "do-gooder" to be killed. They promise him he deserves death, but Pilate is not convinced. He genuinely asks Jesus if he is as powerful a man as everyone says he is, but Jesus just says his kingdom isn't of this world. Pilate doesn't understand Jesus's flowery words about listening to the truth, so he fires back what he sees as a profound statement and says, "what is truth?" but doesn't view Jesus as wrong. He tries again to release him. He knows this man is not guilty. He attempts to pass the killing off to the Jews, John 19:12 even says Pilate set his mind to setting Jesus free. They finally gave him no option and pulled the "we'll get you fired" card. Even then, Pilate washes his hands and doesn't take responsibility for something he knows is wrong. He had almost nothing to do with the killing of Jesus. 

In the end, Pilate had no hate in his heart for Jesus. Just apathy.

Let me follow that statement up with a quote:

"The world never burned a casual Christian at the stake" -John R. Rice.

So to unpack a little, was Pilate a bad guy? He obviously was not a Jesus follower, so I think it may be unfair to compare him to that quote. But did I learn a lot by combining those two thoughts? Absolutely. Pilate gives us a perfect example of the way the world works on us. Pilate, in his genuine eyes, could quite possibly have done the right thing. With no reference point, just silence when he asked Jesus who he was, and then ultimately washing his hands of the matter, he played his cards in the safest way possible. I can't honestly say I wouldn't do the same thing if I was in his shoes, not truly knowing who Jesus was.
And yet he had the power to stop the killing of the most perfect man to ever live. He was pressured into choosing sides, and I think we can agree that he chose 51% wrong.

I learn two lessons from this:

1. Playing it safe has nothing to do with defending Jesus.

2. I'm 51% not the good guy. 

Point 1: Playing it safe has nothing to do with defending Jesus

At this point, I think point 1 is straightforward. Using Pilate as our control example, the bad guy will most likely win if we don't care enough, even when we know what's right. 

Applying that to our defense of Jesus (I say defense because there is never a time when Satan isn't scheming), apathy is our enemy. In the words of Relient K, "...being apathetic is a pathetic way to be" (See that's so cool because "a pathetic" put together is "apathetic" and that's the kind of cleverness you get when you listen to such a great band).

Playing it safe, not being all in, being neutral, even standing up for what's right and backing down because you don't believe the cause is worth putting that much effort into, those are all forms of apathy. 

The best way to combat apathy is with being intentional. You are responsible for the words you say, what you stand for, and who you are when no one is looking. Dwelling on my motives has caused me to change many of my mundane actions, and the more I dwell on motives the more I change. It's literally life changing. 

Point 2: I'm 51% not the good guy

Jesus came to this earth to set us free from our sins. To do that, he had to defeat death. He had to defeat death because we can't. I can't. When I said "I'm the good guy" at the beginning of this post, I lied, hopefully obviously. My perspective may paint me as correct, but looking back over my life I've been wrong so many times when I thought I was right. Does that make sense? I hope it does. 

I wish we could have a follow-up story of Pilate. Did he ever realize what he did? He was respectful to Jesus's dead body, but did he ever see him alive after that? Was he able to look back to see the fault in choosing to care more about his immediate life than what he knew was right? No idea. 

There's no way to change what happened. But Jesus would have died for Pilate's other sins, anyway. Me, I'm no different from Pilate. I have no power over my past, ignorant self who has betrayed, cursed, and spat in Jesus's face. That proves that I'm not deserving of the kind of love he gives, and I never will be. 

And yet. And yet! We have it anyway. He chose to allow himself to die because he loved Pilate even more than Pilate loved mediocrity. 

And he loves you and me even more than we love apathy. 

What a restful hope we have in his arms. 

We've Got Spirit, Yes We Do

Riley here. Because I last posted twice in a row and because I highly value diverse perspectives, I decided to take a break from talking loudly at the Internet. Hopefully this will not be the last time that a guest writer shares their thoughts with this blog, but for this week I want to extend special gratitude to Deryn Pieterse for her contribution. May her words bless and challenge you as they have myself.

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Have you ever received a gift and let it sit to gather dust in the back of your closet? I know I have. The gifts that end up there seem to be things that were given with pure intentions but because we know ourselves better than anyone else, we decide that we don’t really see the use for them. They are set aside to be forgotten.

I’m about to be uncomfortably honest - but for most of my life, next to the ill fitting clothing and books I’ve never read, sat a box in the top of my closet. That box is where I placed the Holy Spirit. “Woah now…you’re telling me, you attempted to place the Spirit of GOD... in a box… in your closet?” I know. I know. It sounds kinda stupid and completely misses the point, but that was reality for me.

As a young teen, I was baptized in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I had waited some time to make this decision because I wanted to make it for myself. I wanted it to be separate from the fact that I had grown up in the church. After accepting all three that day, I expected things to finally make sense. I felt that it was fairly simple to understand and accept that God was my Father and Jesus Christ was my Savior… but what business did I have with the Spirit of God? I decided that of the three, the Spirit was the one I didn’t understand. I recognized that the Spirit had worked frequently and greatly in the Bible but had no use working in someone as average as me. I was not capable of leading a nation or parting a sea. I was just another girl. What I did understand about the Spirit is that it helped me to recognize my sin and turn from it. That was a step in the right direction but I didn’t allow it to be anything more.

I missed it y’all.

Let me ask, what does the Spirit of God mean to you? Take a minute and really think about how you would explain the Spirit to someone who had no knowledge of it. It’s not an easy task. The Holy Spirit is not an easy Bible class answer. I can assure you that the Spirit is working in ways that we do not have the capability of understanding. I do not claim to understand the gift I’ve been given but here are my humble offerings. Glimpses of understanding, experience, and what I’ve come to love:

1. The Spirit is not one of three; it is three of three.

In John 14, Jesus is speaking on the gift of the Holy Spirit: “And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever -  the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you.  I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.” (John 14:16-20) Where you find one, you will find evidence of all three.

2. The Spirit is our guide.

The Lord gave us His Spirit to walk alongside us. As mentioned in the verse above, the Holy Spirit was given to be an advocate, a fighter for you in times of weakness. Not only to be a presence but to be a guide. “Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.” Romans 8:5-8

3. The Spirit is patient.

Wow. The Lord has been patient with me. I have wandered for years. I have rejected His tugs on my heart for my own desires, again and again. We worship a steadfast God. I firmly believe that the Holy Spirit is persistent. If there is something that you are meant to encounter through the Spirit’s leading, you will encounter it. I have found the Spirit most clearly when I opened my eyes and ears to the way that things are playing out right in front of my path. Sometimes this illustrates itself through encountering the same topic, person, or opportunity a few times through the course of a week. When I was deciding what topic to write this post about, I saw a common theme of impact in my life. Recently, I felt that I couldn’t have a spiritual conversation or attend a sermon without hearing something about the nature of the Lord’s spirit. Yeah, I know, it’s a pretty common topic. It was different though. It was as if my ears had a heightened sense to the word. In my small group we had talked about the fruits of the spirit and read the verse in Galatians that says "Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit." Maybe it was the band nerd coming out, but I couldn’t seem to shake the phrase. That week, I felt a heightened sense of conviction and prompting to go out of my way for others. So I decided to talk about what has most recently been on my heart. All of this to say - When I take time to step back and look outside of myself, to listen to the cries of those around me, to connect the patterns and repetitions - I find the Spirit.

4. The Spirit is FOR us.

I think back to why I (attempted to) put God’s Spirit in a box. Not only did I not understand His Spirit but I felt soooo unworthy. How could a God of absolute purity and holiness want to place His Spirit in me? If we go back to the story of Jesus dying on a cross, the message is clear. His death took away our sins so that we may live by grace. But what comes next? I love the imagery that follows as the Bible paints the moment Jesus gives up His spirit. “And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, He gave up His spirit. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook, the rocks split and the tombs broke open.” The power of His sacrifice shook the earth and tore the veil. The significance of the veil is gripping stuff. The temple veil was a thick, massive curtain that surrounded the most holy place, the presence of God. This curtain was a protective barrier between the holiness of God and the sinful nature of man. Once a year, the High Priest was allowed into this space only after making himself ceremonially clean. Anyone else that tried to enter into the most holy space, would immediately die from the power of His presence. Y’ALL. THE VEIL WAS RIPPED IN TWO! Not only were our sins washed away that day but we were given the open invitation to be intimate with the holiest being. There is nothing that can separate us from God. “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

“As his parables murmured of a message deeper than harvest or homecomings, so his miracles murmured of a transformation deeper than the calming of the tempest or the healing of disease. They pointed to the most dumbfounding miracle of all: the display of his power to transform the human heart from stone to flesh. That our hearts could be made a dwelling place more suitable for the Spirit of the Lord than a tabernacle or a temple is miraculous on a scale we cannot fathom.” (None Like Him by Jen Wilkin)  

The Holy Spirit is the most precious gift that has ever been given to me. As simple as it seems, it took me years to see that my creator knew what was best for me. The reckless love of God chased me down and fought till I was found. He placed Himself in the midst of my being. He allowed me the highest honor, by creating Himself a place on the throne of my heart. His body was broken. The veil was torn. All so that we could come close. His power was made evident in His ability to transform our sinful hearts into His dwelling place. May we cling to His Spirit til the day we are able to be reunited with Him in the place being prepared for us. My prayer is that we will lean into His Spirit, pulling it to the forefront of our focus. May we see that we need to be nothing more than a willing vessel. That is all that He asks of us. All he asks is that we give up our lives to be used to lead nations and part seas. He has the power to carry those things out if we will only let Him! May we quiet our hearts in pursuit of what He is placing there.

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Out of Hiding: https://youtu.be/XFkDqQtfs0w

-DNP-

(raw thoughts) "Raise your hand if... ~m

... your first reaction when you're sad would be to jump for joy."

That posed question is basically how I began a campfire devotional that I gave to a youth group last weekend. We were talking about "intentional perspectives," and how Paul in Philippians 4:4 says to "rejoice in the Lord always." My point in the devo was that there is absolutely no situation in which it would be a bad idea to praise God.

Ironic.

Real me as an encourager has been MIA in my blogs and social media posts for a while. He peeked through the void in my last blog (written a few weeks ago), but he's been hiding since before then. I try not to actually write about topics important to me unless it's something I'm genuinely feeling at the moment of writing, and that's why I haven't posted anything else in a hot minute. I'm thankful that Riley took over GraceYard two weeks in a row, but it's time for me to get back on board.

Right now I'm in the middle of one of the the biggest back-and-forth struggles I can remember in my life. Over the past month or so the last thing I've wanted to do is consistently praise God, if I'm honest. It feels like the power struggle to beat all power struggles in my life. I know I'm probably being dramatic, and I know I've dealt with worse and will deal with worse again. Still, this feels special for my consistent lack of clarity. It's been a season of lament, stagnation, and absolute frustration for no apparent reason. I could go into specifics that may affect my in-the-moment thought pattern, but honestly this semester has been way more good than bad. So no excuses there. This is a season that has just stumped me.

I'm not just pouring out my emotions as a form of public-recognition therapy, I promise. I have tried that plenty of times, and it just doesn't work very well. I'm intentionally hoping you read this and learn from my perspective and join me in zooming out, recognizing what's important.

So... what's important? Obviously not the distractions I've been focusing on. But what's new there? My life consistently has clung to the following 4-step cycle, maybe you can relate:
 1. Focus on God. 2. Get distracted. 3. Re-focus on God. 4. Repeat.
Simple yet excruciating.

Guys, I don't have an answer to this.

I've thought it would work itself out if I just let it sit. I think about it a lot. That cyclical perspective is the one I've been stuck on, and when I think about it in solitude or out loud to friends my stomach gets tight, my vision gets a weird kind of blurry and I want to stop typing or talking or thinking about it.

Another irony and faith test for me: today in my Christianity and Mental Health class (yes, that's a thing and I'm getting college credit for it. The class is awesome), we talked about the book of Job as a perfect story that was created for us as something to which we can relate. Sure, the entire idea of the book is that Job never cursed God when there were no answers for him, so after his patience God blessed him with more than he used to have. But you can read 3 chapters and skip to the last chapter and be done if that's what you want to get out of it. There are 38 other chapters of back and forth banter between trusted advisors, friends, and even his own wife steering Job wrong. Job never receives a word or truth from God until the very, very end. The first time I read it I was confused as to why Job was cursing what I thought was good advice from people who cared about him. "There has to be a reason behind this. What are you doing wrong? We'll help you fix yourself. Why won't you confess that you're an evil man? Why not at least sin now so you have a reason to die?" Yet Job was right for continuing to trust and "rejoice" in the Lord.
I think there's something to be said for that debate in between the "exciting stuff," and I think every word in the middle is just as important as the beginning and end. It goes on for SO LONG before anything actually happens. It's frustrating to even read.

 Our view gets caught in the beginning and end but we don't focus on the years in between conflict and resolution. Sure, it makes sense at the end but the reality is that the end may not be anywhere close.

That's a scary thought.

So here's a blog for that. I'm not at the beginning, and I'm not at the end. I'm in the thick of it and I can't pretend that I'm not. What am I in the thick of? Why am I uninspired? I have no idea.

But you'll catch me dead before you catch me thinking God has no idea what he's doing.

I asked Riley to cover the blog this week, I really did. I said "I'm in a weird place right now," and Riley said, in the kindest way possible, "write about that."

But I'm realizing this is important to talk about. And maybe I needed to be in this place for you, the one or two readers who will relate to me at the moment.

If that's you, please keep going, friend. I'm with you.

I invite you to join me in continually taking Philippians 4:4 up on that command to rejoice in the Lord always. Always is now, when nothing seems to make sense. Always was yesterday, and always is tomorrow. Always is when it's "impossible."

 Always.


~m

The Face of Evil (Alt. Title: I'm Insecure) - R

I'm posting for a second consecutive time. Mason is still alive, I promise, I just have something burning in my heart that I need to get out.

How many of us have ever heard of/typed themselves according to the Enneagram Test?

If you don't know, the Enneagram is an ancient typology method used to help people learn more about themselves and others. And some people stop listening when they get this far, because they think it's more Meyers-Briggs personality typing, but it actually delves into a much different part of the human psyche. The Enneagram is much less concerned with telling you who you are; it seeks to reveal to you why exactly you behave in the ways that you do. The Enneagram pinpoints the messages you hear that motivate you throughout your life and that cause you to see the world through a certain lens. Each category is assigned a number, One through Nine, and I have found that most people fit shockingly comfortably into one of these nine categories. (If you're interested, there are dozens of online tests that you can take, but the best way to learn more and eventually type yourself is to read through a book on the subject. I personally cannot recommend the book by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile highly enough. Read until you feel extremely uncomfortable with what the authors are saying, and chances are that's your number.)

You don't have to invest in the validity of the Enneagram, but I have found that it's an invaluable tool for understanding myself, and that's enough. I tell you all this to say that I'm a 3 on the Enneagram, which is nicknamed "The Achiever." 3's are, in the simplest terms, motivated by a desire to look good in everyone else's eyes. We are the people who are center stage, milking the spotlight, pushing ourselves to get the best grades, the best jobs, the best opportunities, make the most friends, and look the happiest to the rest of the world. A significant percentage of our behavior is dictated around other people. What will they like? What will make them like me? How can I be better or more impressive or more approachable or more attractive?

Are you exhausted yet? I know I am.

You might be surprised to learn that it's not always such a great plan to have your self worth depend on what other people think about you. With it comes a mountain of insecurities. Some days are better than others, but not a day goes by without these self-doubts rearing their ugly little heads. And for whatever reason, it felt as though my insecurity had spiked to an unhealthy degree this week.

And I decided I'm sick of it. I'm sick of not truly knowing my worth, I'm sick of feeling like I fall short, I'm sick of feeling like a sub-par Christian for not believing God's truth, and I'm sick of being so scared all the time. And I wanted to do something about it.

I think we Christians are great at giving direction without giving directions. To master fear, don't listen to the lies - trust in God's promises. To master worry, don't listen to the lies - give it all up to God. To master insecurity, don't listen to the lies - lean on God's truth. This all sounds great, and is exactly what I should be doing . . . but I have absolutely no clue where to start. How does one even do that?

So, forgive me, but I took a secular approach to combating my insecurity. I turned to the Google for answers. And I came upon this interesting article which talks about something called Voice Therapy. Voice Therapy is a way for people to identify and adjust negative thought patterns. The key tenant is a simple one: shift all negativity from the first person to the second person as if another person were addressing you ("You're so stupid," instead of "I'm so stupid."). This way, we can start to see the vicious attacks taking place in our own minds as coming from an external enemy instead of being our actual point of view.

This part caught my attention. It appears that some spirituality has trickled into my secular searching. It struck a familiar chord:

Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance. You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness. - Romans 6:16-18

I was intrigued by being told to visualize an external enemy because isn't that exactly what New Testament writers tell us is happening around us? When we read in the New Testament (particularly Paul's letters) about sin, writers almost never mean a behavior, or a violation of one of the 613 laws in the Torah. When Paul uses the word sin, he's talking about Sin. With a capital S. For Paul, Sin is something other than our mistakes. Sin is a power of darkness that is at play in the world around us. Sin is our most evil enemy, actively seeking to destroy us. So those ugly untruths that worm their way into our heads? I believe those really are from outside ourselves - the product of Sin attempting to separate us from the truth we know is in God.

With this in mind, I knew I had to try to visualize what the article suggested. I had to try to view all negative thoughts I had as coming from elsewhere. So, I did what any rational Bible major would do: I drew an evil caricature in my notebook.

I don't know why, but I think this about perfectly sums up how I view Sin. He's smug, confident, arrogant, capable, and shifty. And his mouth is open real wide. because he's got a lot to say to you. So this is my enemy. I gave him a face to match the voice, now time to see what all he's saying.

I decided to write out all the negative thoughts about myself I'd had just that day. I tried to listen beyond the general nagging feelings, and actually put to words exactly what my insecurities were. Not an easy task, but it turned out it wasn't a time-consuming one either. After what seemed like no time at all, I came up with sixteen sentences that had gone through my head and caused me pain at some point that day. It was 10:30 in the morning.

So now this jerk's made it personal, and he's gonna pay. I still haven't gotten over my urge to throw him into a fire. Unrelated note: making s'mores this weekend if anyone wants to join.

Actually as I was writing this, I kept coming back to the same thought: This is stupid. What kind of 'enemy' is this? It's literally just a few black lines on a piece of paper. It was hard for me to get too riled up over these fictitious assaults. Really, how terrifying could an enemy be when he's two dimensional?

Some of you may see where I'm going with this. Because my next thought, which I'm convinced was sent by God with the exasperated tone of a parent who has tried a million times to get their child to understand, was:

That's the point!

Of course it's not intimidating! Of course it's not a real enemy! That's the whole point of Jesus coming to us and dying on the cross. His sacrifice meant that Sin would have absolutely no power over us. Under Christ, Sin has no more hold over us than a few pencil marks on a sheet of notebook paper. We're struggling, fighting for our lives against a shadow, a spook, an apparition, a puff of smoke under a sheet with eye holes.

And for whatever reason, we struggle to keep this in mind. It's difficult because the voice that we hear is without a face, yes, but it's also difficult because that voice that tells us we aren't good enough can sound dangerously close to our own voice. This is what makes Sin such a nuisance in our lives: if we hear these lies in a foreign voice, it becomes an argument. If we hear these lies in our voice, it becomes our reality.

But what Sin doesn't want us to know is that it only has as much authority in our lives as we give it. Sin is nothing and it knows it. It's circling the drain and is determined to take as many people as possible with it. It's an angry housefly with 24 hours to live, determined to spend every last one of them annoying you. It's an amateur chess player who knows it's been beaten so it flips the board. This thing we call spiritual warfare is more like a loser's temper tantrum. For it to be war, there would have to be some kind of competition, but all that's over and done. You ever read Revelation? It's not about a war, it's about a complete shutout. God's team wins, and it wasn't even close.

I won't pretend like I have this thing completely solved. Obviously insecurities don't go away in the course of one week, especially for someone like me who is so externally focused. But what an amazing exercise! Once they were out on paper, personified with a ridiculous cartoon face, I could see how absurd each of those poisonous thoughts really were. And isn't that what a life of Christ is all about? When we closely follow the living embodiment of truth, we are able to see everything in the world for what it truly is, for better or worse.

I'm not going to include a call to action on this one. I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do; I offer only my experience here. But I will tell you that this all started with a decision. I decided that I was absolutely fed up with being told who I am by someone or something that doesn't have a clue. And I'd imagine that you probably are too.

I was trying to win the battle against my insecurities, but I don't have to do that. That fight was won for me long ago. All that's left to do is remember that the one who broke the power of sin and shame is the same one who calls me beloved.

“Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?”

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. - 1 Corinthians 15:55-57

~RJS~