The Face of Evil (Alt. Title: I'm Insecure) - R

I'm posting for a second consecutive time. Mason is still alive, I promise, I just have something burning in my heart that I need to get out.

How many of us have ever heard of/typed themselves according to the Enneagram Test?

If you don't know, the Enneagram is an ancient typology method used to help people learn more about themselves and others. And some people stop listening when they get this far, because they think it's more Meyers-Briggs personality typing, but it actually delves into a much different part of the human psyche. The Enneagram is much less concerned with telling you who you are; it seeks to reveal to you why exactly you behave in the ways that you do. The Enneagram pinpoints the messages you hear that motivate you throughout your life and that cause you to see the world through a certain lens. Each category is assigned a number, One through Nine, and I have found that most people fit shockingly comfortably into one of these nine categories. (If you're interested, there are dozens of online tests that you can take, but the best way to learn more and eventually type yourself is to read through a book on the subject. I personally cannot recommend the book by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile highly enough. Read until you feel extremely uncomfortable with what the authors are saying, and chances are that's your number.)

You don't have to invest in the validity of the Enneagram, but I have found that it's an invaluable tool for understanding myself, and that's enough. I tell you all this to say that I'm a 3 on the Enneagram, which is nicknamed "The Achiever." 3's are, in the simplest terms, motivated by a desire to look good in everyone else's eyes. We are the people who are center stage, milking the spotlight, pushing ourselves to get the best grades, the best jobs, the best opportunities, make the most friends, and look the happiest to the rest of the world. A significant percentage of our behavior is dictated around other people. What will they like? What will make them like me? How can I be better or more impressive or more approachable or more attractive?

Are you exhausted yet? I know I am.

You might be surprised to learn that it's not always such a great plan to have your self worth depend on what other people think about you. With it comes a mountain of insecurities. Some days are better than others, but not a day goes by without these self-doubts rearing their ugly little heads. And for whatever reason, it felt as though my insecurity had spiked to an unhealthy degree this week.

And I decided I'm sick of it. I'm sick of not truly knowing my worth, I'm sick of feeling like I fall short, I'm sick of feeling like a sub-par Christian for not believing God's truth, and I'm sick of being so scared all the time. And I wanted to do something about it.

I think we Christians are great at giving direction without giving directions. To master fear, don't listen to the lies - trust in God's promises. To master worry, don't listen to the lies - give it all up to God. To master insecurity, don't listen to the lies - lean on God's truth. This all sounds great, and is exactly what I should be doing . . . but I have absolutely no clue where to start. How does one even do that?

So, forgive me, but I took a secular approach to combating my insecurity. I turned to the Google for answers. And I came upon this interesting article which talks about something called Voice Therapy. Voice Therapy is a way for people to identify and adjust negative thought patterns. The key tenant is a simple one: shift all negativity from the first person to the second person as if another person were addressing you ("You're so stupid," instead of "I'm so stupid."). This way, we can start to see the vicious attacks taking place in our own minds as coming from an external enemy instead of being our actual point of view.

This part caught my attention. It appears that some spirituality has trickled into my secular searching. It struck a familiar chord:

Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you have come to obey from your heart the pattern of teaching that has now claimed your allegiance. You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness. - Romans 6:16-18

I was intrigued by being told to visualize an external enemy because isn't that exactly what New Testament writers tell us is happening around us? When we read in the New Testament (particularly Paul's letters) about sin, writers almost never mean a behavior, or a violation of one of the 613 laws in the Torah. When Paul uses the word sin, he's talking about Sin. With a capital S. For Paul, Sin is something other than our mistakes. Sin is a power of darkness that is at play in the world around us. Sin is our most evil enemy, actively seeking to destroy us. So those ugly untruths that worm their way into our heads? I believe those really are from outside ourselves - the product of Sin attempting to separate us from the truth we know is in God.

With this in mind, I knew I had to try to visualize what the article suggested. I had to try to view all negative thoughts I had as coming from elsewhere. So, I did what any rational Bible major would do: I drew an evil caricature in my notebook.

I don't know why, but I think this about perfectly sums up how I view Sin. He's smug, confident, arrogant, capable, and shifty. And his mouth is open real wide. because he's got a lot to say to you. So this is my enemy. I gave him a face to match the voice, now time to see what all he's saying.

I decided to write out all the negative thoughts about myself I'd had just that day. I tried to listen beyond the general nagging feelings, and actually put to words exactly what my insecurities were. Not an easy task, but it turned out it wasn't a time-consuming one either. After what seemed like no time at all, I came up with sixteen sentences that had gone through my head and caused me pain at some point that day. It was 10:30 in the morning.

So now this jerk's made it personal, and he's gonna pay. I still haven't gotten over my urge to throw him into a fire. Unrelated note: making s'mores this weekend if anyone wants to join.

Actually as I was writing this, I kept coming back to the same thought: This is stupid. What kind of 'enemy' is this? It's literally just a few black lines on a piece of paper. It was hard for me to get too riled up over these fictitious assaults. Really, how terrifying could an enemy be when he's two dimensional?

Some of you may see where I'm going with this. Because my next thought, which I'm convinced was sent by God with the exasperated tone of a parent who has tried a million times to get their child to understand, was:

That's the point!

Of course it's not intimidating! Of course it's not a real enemy! That's the whole point of Jesus coming to us and dying on the cross. His sacrifice meant that Sin would have absolutely no power over us. Under Christ, Sin has no more hold over us than a few pencil marks on a sheet of notebook paper. We're struggling, fighting for our lives against a shadow, a spook, an apparition, a puff of smoke under a sheet with eye holes.

And for whatever reason, we struggle to keep this in mind. It's difficult because the voice that we hear is without a face, yes, but it's also difficult because that voice that tells us we aren't good enough can sound dangerously close to our own voice. This is what makes Sin such a nuisance in our lives: if we hear these lies in a foreign voice, it becomes an argument. If we hear these lies in our voice, it becomes our reality.

But what Sin doesn't want us to know is that it only has as much authority in our lives as we give it. Sin is nothing and it knows it. It's circling the drain and is determined to take as many people as possible with it. It's an angry housefly with 24 hours to live, determined to spend every last one of them annoying you. It's an amateur chess player who knows it's been beaten so it flips the board. This thing we call spiritual warfare is more like a loser's temper tantrum. For it to be war, there would have to be some kind of competition, but all that's over and done. You ever read Revelation? It's not about a war, it's about a complete shutout. God's team wins, and it wasn't even close.

I won't pretend like I have this thing completely solved. Obviously insecurities don't go away in the course of one week, especially for someone like me who is so externally focused. But what an amazing exercise! Once they were out on paper, personified with a ridiculous cartoon face, I could see how absurd each of those poisonous thoughts really were. And isn't that what a life of Christ is all about? When we closely follow the living embodiment of truth, we are able to see everything in the world for what it truly is, for better or worse.

I'm not going to include a call to action on this one. I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do; I offer only my experience here. But I will tell you that this all started with a decision. I decided that I was absolutely fed up with being told who I am by someone or something that doesn't have a clue. And I'd imagine that you probably are too.

I was trying to win the battle against my insecurities, but I don't have to do that. That fight was won for me long ago. All that's left to do is remember that the one who broke the power of sin and shame is the same one who calls me beloved.

“Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?”

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. - 1 Corinthians 15:55-57

~RJS~